Going dark

Going dark is one of those terms that I know is real, because it's in a lot of spy shows. And I like spy shows, so I'm an expert. Going dark is when a spy has to go so deep undercover that they cut off communication with their handler and their peers.

Yesterday, I went dark.

Not that I'm a spy, I'm an "alien and stranger", a sojourner, and that's not quite the same thing. (If you're unfamiliar withe the phrase "alien and stranger" grab a Bible and look up 1 Peter 2.11) Or is it? I'm a subversive member of a King's following, a King who isn't my current world's ruler, trying to overthrow the system currently in place. Hmm...

But I digress. I went dark, not because I was going deeper in my cover, but because I was having a pity party.

Yep, me, Mr. Optimistic under most circumstances. Yesterday I spiraled out of control. My apparently fragile ego was not handling my unemployment situation well, so I went dark. Left God outside and tried to ignore him. Other people too. And like most of those situations, it only got worse from there. I turned to that one thing that if you'd read my blogs before, you know is my besetting sin (besetting is a theological word that means "butt-kicking").

I ate. Overate to be more precise.

I withdrew, shut out the world and the One who cares most, and I ate a bunch of stuff that I found.

And then I felt worse. Surprise!

I'm better today. Maybe. At least I'm confessional. And I'm talking to you, whoever you are. I'm not dark today. It's made me think of 2 or 3 things I probably need to focus on when I'm throwing a pity party.

1. Do some work. Wash the dishes. Do some laundry. Focus on a writing project. Work seems to help the soul regain some sense of purpose.

2. Get around people. People who refuse to be invited to your pity party, but who will be around you nonetheless.

3. Confess. You may not be one to confess on a blog, but confess. Your spouse, a friend, definitely God. Confess honestly, not in a Sunday-school fashion. But confess. Healing is there. His love doesn't go away.

He comes to give life. But that's my next blog.

The value of courtship

Don't you hate it when you know something, but you still struggle to act on it?

Knowledge, as great as it is, cannot change us alone. Growth requires knowledge plus the will to act plus actually putting it into practice. And none of this can be done in a vacuum, it has to be done in relation to another.

Courtship is like that for me. If you've been to any marriage seminar in the past 20 years (maybe more than that, but I've only been married for 22) you've heard that courtship has to continue after marriage so that the relationship continues to mature. Very true, but challenging to practice consistently.

Oddly enough, it was a marketing email this morning that prompted this post. Roy Williams over at the Wizard of Ads said this:

The perfect customer is like a beautiful woman, distant and desirable and pursued by countless competitors. An appropriate metaphor, don’t you think?
Most advertisers want ads that equate to a magical pickup line. “Tell me what to say to this beautiful woman so that she’ll rip off her clothes and jump into bed with me.”
 (find the whole blog here)

Leaving the sexual innuendo behind for a moment, the reality is we all want people to like us. We want to be desirable, as people, as employees, as spouses, whatever. And a good chunk of our own self-value comes from our success at "selling" ourselves. We could fight this if we want--many people do--but I'm convinced that's the totally wrong approach. We were made for relationship. We were made to love and be loved. And while it's hard work, life is meaningless without it.

Relationship--with God, with your spouse, with your friends, with your boss, with your team--will define  you and shape you. So it's worth cultivating deep and lasting relationships with those around you.

It's worth courting.

Relationship is deeper than patriotism

The last "relationship" post probably didn't get me into too much trouble. We argue over sports but not too seriously. I hope this one doesn't either. Especially coming on the heels of our nation's independence celebrations.

Christians have struggled with the proper place of patriotism for oh, at least 20 centuries now. The early church was birthed in a world where Christianity was a sometimes unnoticed, sometimes illegal sect of Judaism. It developed in a world antagonistic toward it, then tolerating it, then embracing it, then promoting it (often by force), all within the space of a few centuries.

I was about to ask if there was a place for patriotism in today's Christian. But I'm going to leave that for now, (you can read my past article on patriotism vs nationalism here). The question I'm asking here is this: does relationship run deeper than patriotism?

Maybe I can ask it this way. What is the deeper connection in relationship, patriotism or spiritual life; your sense of pride in earthly citizenship or in heavenly citizenship?

It's not an easy question. There's something gut-intertwining about our national holiday that in some ways goes beyond...well, beyond religious expression for sure. We can all be at the ball game and see the fireworks and sing the national anthem and our souls feel connected around the idea of freedom, regardless of whether or not we recognize that freedom ultimately comes from God.

But how about this: are we more relationally intertwined with a pagan but patriotic USAmerican or with a Palestinian Christian? Do we care more about the stability and safety of the US than we do about the Iraqi church, which has been scattered and persecuted since the current government has taken power? Do we care more about the values of our own homes than we do the underground church members around the world who cannot provide for their families to have a decent meal because they have been labeled as infidels, heretics, pro-western, or whatever?

I don't have good answers to these questions. I'm not even sure I have the right to ask them. But my soul doesn't leave me alone about it sometimes. Somehow, someway, our relationship with the Creator supercedes our citizenship as USAmericans. Somehow, someway, a believer in communist North Korea and a believer in socialist France and a believer in capitalistic USA are more deeply related to one another than they are to their fellow countrymen/women who don't share that graftedness into the vine that is Jesus of Nazareth.

Now if we could just figure out what that looks like in the real world.

David Gushee recently published some great thoughts on this here.

Here's a quote from a book I cited in my previous blog on patriotism:

When patriotism goes to seed, becoming a jingoistic nationalism, it gives patriotism a bad name. It is the difference between gratitude and arrogant pride. Patriotism stifles the spirit of war, nationalism breeds wars. Patriotism is catholic, nationalism is sectarian. Patriotism understands and enters into the affection that others have for their place.

5 Cities That Ruled the World

Relationship is deeper than sports

So, the World Cup is over. At least for our family.

The USA had a good showing, but really needed to beat Ghana to boost the sport more in the US. Then Argentina failed to show up against the German team (as I feared would happen--Germany looks tough when they play up to their level) and now I have no one to cheer for in what I have come to believe is one of the only true world championships available.

We are a nation obsessed with sports and athletes. Here in Dallas a sigh of relief was audibly heard when Dirk agreed to a new deal with the Mavs. The US sports world is following LeBron and DeWayne and the other top free agents to see where they will land. We ask if Tiger will ever be what he once was.

We are fanatics about our sports. We love teams (mine are the Spurs, Steelers, Rangers and Stars--yes, I've given up on the Red Sox to adopt a home team, but that will never happen with the Cowboys or Mavericks). We hate teams (mine are the Mavs, Cowboys and Mavs).

But in all that, sports should not separate us. Our passion for a person or team cannot become more valuable to us than our friendships and neighbors.

What's that you say? Low hanging fruit? You've never heard of someone who destroyed a relationship over sport?

Have you ever watched parents at a little league game?

What's better than relationship?

The Holy Writings make the obvious point, "How good it is when brothers dwell together in unity!"

Is there anything in life better than a great relationship? The 3.5 have heard me say a bunch of times that relationship has always existed within the character of God himself (that's why we're trinitarians)--the Father, Son and Spirit have eternally coexisted in relationship to one another. We were made for relationship with God, and with each other.

So I'm planning to do a series of short blogs (would that be blogettes?) on relationship being deeper than (fill in the blank).

So help me create the list...what are the obstacles of relationships today? What attacks our willingness to spend time--real or virtual--with people?

Stay tuned.

The range of emotions...

So a few weeks back my mom was around, and a few of us got into this discussion about the differences between the emotions of men and women. And they told me I should blog my thoughts. Hopefully not to get shot down in cold blood on the street by women who disagree.

Disclaimer #1--I have no clue about women. I have little experience: no sisters, I think I was 11 when I realized my mom was a girl (she was a great basketball player, could shoot a gun, and was in a house full of guys).

So getting married was, to say the least, a little bit of a new experience for me. Living with the fairer sex was enlightening. Not educational, mind you, since I probably haven't learned much, but enlightening.

The first clue about this came years ago when San was quizzing me about something. I got a little offended and told her "stop questioning me!" Her response: "I'm not questioning, I'm just asking."

???

Um, aren't those the same thing?

See, I told you I haven't learned anything. Clearly there is a HUGE difference between questioning and asking. I just can't figure out what it is.

Then there was the time I had done something probably a little stupid, and said to San "Are you mad at me?" Her response: "I'm not mad, I'm just upset."

???

Um, aren't those...oh, never mind.

I have come to believe that men--or at least this one I'm most familiar with, the one I sleep with every night--only have about 5 basic emotions: anger, happy, sad, lust, and fear. Maybe there are one or two more, but that's about it.

Women on the other hand, have 45 different forms of anger. And happy. And sad. And so on.

I don't understand it. But I love it. And hate it. And love it.

The friend of kings

"He who loves purity of heart, and whose speech is gracious, will have the king as his friend." Proverbs 22.11

I have read and practiced this verse for years. It seems to be the biblical version of "how to win friends and influence people." Two things are listed--purity of heart, graciousness of speech.

Purity of heart is about focus, about the "one thing." Remember in "City Slickers" when Billy Crystal asks Jack Palance what the secret of life was, the crusty cowboy called "Curly" holds up his finger. "Your finger?" asks Crystal? "No, find one thing, and do it well."

When our heart if focused on the "one thing" of the kingdom of heaven, it stands out. People take note.

Graciousness of speech is about valuing the people you talk to, and treating them as more important than yourself. It is about eye contact, listening, and genuine concern. It is never about shouting from a distance, the characteristic of all too much of today's Christian leadership in the US.

In short, being the friend of kings is about relationship. Being the kind of person, day in and out, whose heart is focused on the kingdom and who speech reflects concern for the other person.

The power of relationship

You know relationship makes the world go 'round. But today's proverb has this gem:

"Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment." Pr 18.1

You cannot serve God alone. To be alone is to seek your own desire, and eventually your judgments will fail. That's not to say you don't need alone time--we do just like Jesus did. But our alone time recharges us to be with people; reconnects us to the still small voice of God. It is not an end to itself. Life is lived only in community.

"A fool's lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating." Pr 18.6

This verse would have been helpful for me to have memorized as a kid. "Really mom, I was only following the biblical mandate when I hit Johnny..."

Finally, another relationship thought: "If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame." Pr 18.13

Abba, may I be a hearer and a listener to my neighbor, and a doer to meet his needs.

Triangular relationships

I finished Ed Friedman's "A Failure of Nerve" this week. This book turns upside down the late 20th century thoughts on leadership. I will try to write some blogs in the coming days about leadership.

In a later chapter he talks about triangulated relationships, and how they affect a leader. Relationship triangles form basically between three people (e.g. husband, wife, child; or husband, wife, mistress; or boss, employee, spouse) or they can be between two people and a problem, like husband, wife, cancer. There are an almost infinite number of potentially triangulated relationships.

These triangles impact us even when we're not aware of them. Maybe more when we're not aware of them. A great example would be the situation I'm in right now where I'm commuting to Dallas a few times each week. My wife and I have several triangles in our relationship. Here's a few I can think of:

• Me, her, the new job
• Me, her, our unsold house
• Me, her, where do we live?

In each case above, the relationship between A & B (me and her) is seriously affected by C, even when we are not realizing it. She doesn't have to know what's going on in my job, the stress of learning new things, being in a new environment, etc. for all of those things to seriously affect her just because they seriously affect me.

This is pretty basic, but I was thinking about how important it is to triangulate all our relationships with God. This is how God has an impact on us, how he builds our faith. We invite him into the triangle, and he affects us whether we know it or not. So if I have me, my new job and God in a triangle, that new job stuff will automatically begin to have less of an effect on my relationship with San. And if she invites God into the triangle with her and selling our house, it has an impact on her well-being, her state of mind, even if she doesn't know what or how God is going to do something.

Welcome to Buckner

Here's a link to a posting that Albert Reyes asked me to write for his Pan Dulce blog about coming to Buckner. For the 3.5 of you who read this blog consistently you'll notice the recurring relationship theme...

Relationship makes the world go 'round

I've probably said it a hundred times now--relationship is probably the greatest thing that humans can experience. It's why Jesus said the two greatest commands are what they are--mind your relationships.

Pop Quiz: When was the first relationship? I've probably asked this on the blog before, but for the new guy, when was it?

I got back from lunch just now and had an email from Amazon about Len Sweet's new book "11: Indispensable Relationships You Can't Be Without", which I thought was an interesting looking book. Leonard Sweet is worth reading just about anything he's written. And he's always got the coolest titles--my favorite is "Cup of Coffee in the Soul Cafe." But it made me think about the importance of relationships.

No, the first relationship was not Adam and Eve. Or Adam and God.

It could be that my last day in the office is today, so I'm thinking about relationships as they move and shift throughout time. I've made some great ones at BUA, and I will miss the daily markings they have made on my life.

No, the first relationship was not between God and the angels. Try one more time.

After I saw Len's book I saw on CT's Leadership magazine site an article by another great communicator, John Ortberg, about his recent weekend with good friends. It's worth reading, and you can find it here...

The first relationship never was, and always is. The emphasis of the trinitarian concept of God is that relationship has always been. It exists within the character and nature of God. In some ways it is the essence of God. So go and enjoy your friends. Make new ones. Renew old ones. And in so doing, you might just discover God himself in others.

1,500 of my closest friends

Some of a recent post of Gordon MacDonald on CT's website. Gordon has a great way to make the normal become spiritual, pregnant with meaning.

My Faves: The People I KeepCreating a new cell-phone directory tested my commitment in ways I didn't expect.by Gordon MacDonald, Leadership editor at large

From my journal: A few weeks ago the cell-phone people notified me that I was eligible for a new phone at a rock-bottom price and that I should stop by their store and do a deal. A day or two later, I converted from TREO to Blackberry.

A technician transferred the contact data—my electronic "phone book"—from the old phone to the new one. "You've got a lot of stuff in the memory," he said referring to the over-three thousand names and numbers I'd accumulated during the past years. "You might want to think of purging it."

In the days that followed I did what the techie suggested, and shrunk the list from 3,000 names to about 1,500. I ended up with 1,500 keepers and 1,500 deleted…people that is.

It is not always an easy task to separate the keepers from the deleted. The exercise forced me to do some reflecting about the nature of my personal relationships.

I quickly saw that the "keepers" fell into four categories. There were my loved ones: wife, children, and grandchildren (they were not only keepers but they made my speed-dial list). There were my friends—dearly valued people who have long been in my life through the darkest and the brightest moments. Then there were colleagues: those to whom one relates because of shared work. And finally there were the networked: people you think you want to keep in touch with because you have common goals and objectives. Oh, a fifth group: the snow-plow guy, the hardware store, and United Airlines. Keepers: all of them.

The more challenging experience was in the deleting.

1,500 of my Closest Friends. I found names of people in the phone's memory, for example, whom I'd met here and there over the years. We had promised that we'd keep in touch or get together for lunch or collaborate on some effort. But the promises were forgotten. Well intentioned as we were when we thumbed each other's numbers into our phones, we simply got on to other things the minute we were out of each other's sight.

How many times have I heard my wife, Gail, say as she watched me enter one of these people into my contact list, "I know you want to connect with him, but I also know that you're too busy. He'll expect your call for the next couple of weeks and when it doesn't come, he'll think you were insincere."

Gail's right.

My eyes (for connection) are bigger than my stomach (my ability to digest all the relationships I'd like to have)...

These deletions caused me to reflect on the flimsiness of too many so-called Christian relationships where there is far more talk about faithfulness than action. I thought of how easy it is for people to turn on one another the minute things go awry. And I felt sad.

I confess to a feeling of fiendish satisfaction as I hit the delete button on some of these names. I felt the urge to say. "There! You're gone! No way you're going to get into my new phone." It was as if by deleting someone from my phone list I could make a bad memory go away forever.

Now there were those who walked out of my life for "natural causes." "San Diego pays more," they said. Or, "Florida's warmer." Or, "The company is moving me to Des Moines." Having spoken, they disappeared leaving in their trail only an occasional Christmas card or e-mail. But they left, sometimes to my consternation. Deleting their names reminds me that we live in a wildly mobile society where most relationships have short, practical shelf lives. No wonder young people are opting for small groups and less of the big stuff. They seek stability. Me, too.
A few names in line for deletion were those who have died in the past years. Once they had been vigorous, contributive people. Now they're gone. In many cases their loss was grieved for a few days. But then those of us still among the living had to get on with life and its demands. I found myself brooding on how long, when I die, I'll remain on some peoples' contact list. Not long, I suspect.

A significant number of those slated for deletion were people who have simply stopped playing any role in my life. For a moment our lives had connected as they picked me up at an airport or provided hospitality for me in their home. But it was only a one-time shot: pleasant, interesting, but one time. How often I'd said of these people, "I'd give anything to know them better." But it wasn't meant to be.

Now and then as I scanned the contact list on the old phone I saw names of people who might be called evangelical celebrities. They're people it's fun to say you know. But you really don't know them; you just shook their hands once and got their number. It's hard to delete them. Just having their number tempts you to feel important in a very superficial way. (Billy Graham once warned me about name-dropping.)

God's Delete Button-Purging my phone list has been a healthy exercise. It has reminded me that there is a certain collection of people in this world whose friendship and partnership I really prize. Wonderful people whose love for God and commitment to his agenda are inspiring to me. Christlike people who working with has been (and remains) a humble privilege.

But there were other lessons for me. That I actually liked deleting some names forced me to realize that as much as I believe in no grudge-holding, there is always a bit of residual vindictiveness deep in my heart, in all of us, perhaps. It bothers me that in some cases I really enjoyed hitting the delete button.

Oh, there was one more lesson. I was forced to wonder if God would ever be tempted to purge his list of people. Did this happen in the Noah story? Was it about to happen the day he told Moses he was at his wits end with Israel? Has God ever wished to quietly delete me? Does God even have a delete button?

Pastor and author Gordon MacDonald is chair of World Relief and editor at large for Leadership.