Refleparation. That's been my word for the recent past, and for next couple of weeks, and I'm sticking to it. I was trying to decide if this recent path has been more about reflection or about preparation, and the answer was yes, so I made up a word for it.
It's my first Monday without a full-time job. I've known for several months now that today would arrive. I've been preparing for it...primping my resume, applying for positions, interviewing, starting my own company.
But today I'm not a whole lot closer to knowing the details of what will be providing income for my family in 3 months than I was 3 months ago. And I have to admit that's a little frustrating. And exciting.
For those of you looking for just the job update, you can scroll to the bottom and read the last paragraph. But let me throw out a couple of thoughts on knowing God's will. I've always lived somewhere between disbelief and jealousy when my friends talk about how God shared something with them about a decision that they needed to make. It's never been like that for me, not when it comes to the future. Sure, I can look back at decisions made, roads chosen, paths walked, and say "yep, that was God's plan all along." But before I made that decision, drove down that road, or walked down that path, I was like "I have no idea what God is saying. Help!"And I think I have a pretty conversational relationship with God, it's just that I have not ever had a sense of him saying "doing that and not this" when I've got one of those biggie decisions. Or even the little ones.
It's led me to these two thoughts: first, the opposite of faith is not usually doubt. It's usually certainty. If I know what God wants me to do today, tomorrow and beyond, if I know what to have for dinner, what job to pursue, and so on, then my relationship with him becomes less about a faith-journey and more about my ability to will obedience. And as a guy redeemed from the punishment of sin but still waiting for the redemption from it's presence in the world (including in me), the last thing I want to do is trust in my ability to will anything into existence, especially my own holy obedience.
So it's a faith journey.
Second then, is this thought: just like college football games aren't won on Saturday, but on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and Thursdays, wise decisions aren't usually made when the choices are presented in front of you. They are made because you have collaborated with the Holy Spirit over the course of time to produce good character in yourself. You have offered yourself as that living sacrifice day after day after day (see Romans 12.1-2). Then (I love that "then") as you've been transformed by the renewal of your mind, you can test and "discern what is the will of God."
God's calling is so much more about who he calls me to be than what he calls me to do for a living.
What a journey I'm on. Yes, right now I'm excited about it. I'm still considering a couple of options, either a traditional fundraising role, or jumping full time into the consulting world. I'm testing those options, looking to discern his will, and your prayers are welcome. So are your thoughts, so feel free to email, call, text, or grab me for coffee. In the meantime, I'm refleparating. More to come tomorrow...