I'm sullen. Is that a verb?

Sometimes life with God stinks.

I've been in one of those mopy, moody, melancholy places the last 24 hours or so. What my kids call "meh." Maybe even grumpy.

I've wondered publicly and privately lately if there's some form of "manopause" I could be experiencing. I'm 47, after all, which now doesn't seem old but not that long ago sounded like geriatric ward-age.

I'm sure too that job situations and physical tiredness add to the plot. But this morning, as I sat on the patio drinking my coffee, I was sullen. And I'm not even sure what sullen means.

I've made a deal with God, that even when I'm in a stinky mood like this (and maybe even blaming him for it all) I'll still talk out loud to him, even if I'm cranky. Or sullen (I should really look that up, I could totally be using it wrong). So a few minutes ago, as I headed to the water closet, I grabbed my current devo reading and said out loud something like "God, I really don't want to, but I suppose I'll read this since nothing else is handy."

Leave it to Jesus to take the opportunity to stick his foot in that door to prop it open.

Here's what I read from Charles Ringma: "If we are prepared to admit that we, and not simply others, make a negative contribution, then repentance can prepare us for positive action and real responsibility."

When God spiritually slaps you across the cheek, are you still supposed to turn the other one?

It is so easy to blame the other, whether the "other" is a person (my wife, kids, or the person who invented "one-size-fits-all"), an organization (my current employer, potential employers who reject me, the IRS) or an event (hormonal changes in almost-middle-aged men). But the reality is I need to own my negative contribution. I'm working on that.

I'm still sullen (I just looked it up, and oh boy am I using it appropriately. See #1 definition on dictionary.com) and now I'm also feeling guilty. But maybe repentance is around the corner. I do not doubt that grace is sustaining me through all of this, and will continue to do so.

Life with God stinks sometimes. But consider the alternative.